Guns N’ Roses: Rusted and Wilted

Album: Chinese Democracy
Artist: Guns N’ Roses
Genre: Butt-Rock
Year: 2008
Label: Geffen

This was never supposed to happen. Guns N’ Roses was never supposed to release Chinese Democracy. I was never supposed to hear it. You were never supposed to hear it. Slash was never supposed to leave the original G N’ R. Axl Rose was never supposed to form a new band and call it G N’ R. Buckethead and Bumblefoot were never supposed to join. Dr. Pepper was never supposed to give everyone a free can if the album came out. Hell was never supposed to freeze over. But now it has, and now we have to live with the consequences.

On November 23rd, 2008 Chinese Democracy was released to the world after fifteen years of false starts, do-overs and anticipation. Fans and critics alike descended upon the album like a rabid hoard of Red Soxs fans that had waited years to see their team win. I was incredulous. As I said, this was never supposed to happen. Chinese Democracy is the first album of new original material that G N’ R has released since 1991’s simultaneous release of Use Your Illusion I & II. I was born in 1991 folks; it’s taken Axl Rose my entire lifetime to get around to this.

After fifteen years, numerous questions have arisen about the album. The main and most important one being this: Is it any good? If you like Butt-Rock, it will always be good. If you’re a G N’ R fan from way back, it might be good. If you love Axl Rose and still wear that shirt that he signed for you in 1987 at that one show in Seattle, you will adore this album like a nymphomaniac adores sex. You will put this album on and be transported to a world of guitar rock bliss that you haven’t felt since Appetite for Destruction was released in 1987. This album will be like a shot of heroin directly into your brain. For seventy-one minutes you will feel a high you didn’t think possible. After the album ends you will feel cold and shaky, everything will hurt and all you will be able to think about is your next fix. However, if you’re like me, then this album won’t make you happy, it won’t make you ill; it’ll make you blink and wonder what the point was.

Axl Rose is, and always has been, an absurd human being. He destroyed the original Guns N’ Roses and has been coasting on the profits reaped from Appetite for Destruction his entire career. He made his name synonymous with ridiculousness and now is asking us to take him seriously for the first time in over a decade. I just can’t do that. To call this album a Guns N’ Roses album is ludicrous as Guns N’ Roses have been disbanded for a long time now. This new band, Axl Rose N’ Friends, have released their debut album and are asking us to regard it in the same light as Appetite for Destruction. This is pure silliness and kind of insulting. Yes, Buckethead, Robin Fink and Bumblefoot are great guitarists but really, this isn’t a showcase for anyone but Rose and watching him run around felating his ego is the last thing I want to do. If you do decide to get this album, please consider that you are simply pandering to a man who has taken excess to new levels in a country where we are now in the greatest economic crisis since The Great Depression. If you must get this album, steal it.

Feelin' Dandy?

Album: …Earth to the Dandy Warhols…

Artist: The Dandy Warhols

Genre: Psychedelic Garage Rock

Year: 2008

Label: Beat The World

I don’t know what the Dandy Warhols sound like. Well, maybe that’s not true… I guess ultimately they sound like themselves, but coming up with some fancy metaphor for their sound is currently escaping me. A Psychedelic Garage Rock band, The Dandy Warhols have been recording and touring since the 90’s and have amassed a large fan base. They’ve been all over, toured with big names like David Bowie and the Rolling Stones but before this album I’d never heard them. Oh, I’d heard OF them, and people have told me before how much I’d like them, but I’d never managed to actually hear them till tonight. Weird. I guess they just weren’t on my radar. I don’t know why this is, as I quite like this album …Earth to the Dandy Warhols. It manages to scratch that itch I sometimes get for spaced out Psychedelic music. Actually, considering that modern spaced out Psychedelic music can often be turgid and uninteresting, the Warhols get a plus for managing to hold my attention through some of their more jam heavy moments.

These usually aren’t nice, tight little songs; there’s room for weirdness and freak outs. A notable exception is the first single off the album, the two minute long “Mission Control”, which is sort of an odd choice, considering that it doesn’t accurately represent the rest of the album. It’s a short little Garage rocker, and they are a Garage rock band, but it doesn’t quite show off the Psychedelic feel that most of the album conveys. I notice bands doing this a lot. Of all the songs on the album, they choose the one that most mis-represents them and use it as their first single. Beck did this with Modern Guilt, but with him it’s excusable because, really, no Beck songs sound alike. But I’m getting off topic.

Courtney Taylor Taylor, the Warhols’ front man, has a deep, slurred voice which causes me to picture him staggering drunkenly around the recording studio. It’s a very appropriate voice for the music as it gives the already warped songs an even more twisted atmosphere. He also usually sings through some kind of filter, which gives his voice a distant sound, taking the weirdness levels from X-Files to Doctor Who in short order. What this album failed to do is wow me, which is OK; I don’t expect everything to be Return to Cookie Mountain or the second coming of Jeff Mangum. The Dandy Warhols are in the end exactly what their name purports them to be - just Dandy and if you like them, Psychedelic music or Indie Rock in general you’ll probably like this album too.

Andrew goes on an Inhuman Rampage and Delivers an Ultra Beatdown on Dragonforce.

Album: Inhuman Rampage
Artist: Dragonforce
Genre: Quest Metal
Year: 2006
Label: Roadrunner/Noise

Early morning. The dew still sparkles on the leaves; the sun is just creeping over the horizon. And then, BOOM! A drum beats, then another and another, in triple time no less. Guitars sound, two of them, moving at lightning speed across the grassy plains toward you. You try to run but they move so fast, they’re inescapable. And then the voice-shrill, whiny, a higher pitch then anything you thought possible-coming from a male voice. But you’re too busy trying to fend off the guitars, which have you in their grasp. As they continue to play, they seem to get faster, each one trying to get ahead of the other. The sound they create is incredible, because to credit it with anything would be heresy. As the guitars take flight, your sense of self worth is torn from your body like a dragon would tear out your vital organs. You think “surely I can still be taken seriously in the musical sense of the word; surely this is not the end of my credibility.” But it is. Because the Dragonforce has got you.

Dragonforce is a sextet of Quest Metal-heads from somewhere deep in Middle Earth… I mean, England. I’ll get the good out of the way now. Dragonforce is obviously a highly technical group of musicians because to play that fast you have to have some skill. What’s unfortunate about Dragonforce is what they do with that skill. I have never heard more wanktastic solos in my life then the ones on the song Through the Fire and The Flames. All forty of them. The music they create is ridiculously self-indulgent as evidenced by songs with dozens of masturbatory solos, each one minutes in length. What’s worse is that all of their songs sound exactly the same, because Dragonforce suffers from what I refer to as “Nickelback Syndrome”. One of the things that could save Dragonforce is a decent vocalist, but frankly, they haven’t got one. ZP Threat looks like Kenny G and sings like his balls are in a vice that is being slowly tightened over the course of the song. The lyrics don’t help the situation as they sound like they were torn from the Lord of the Rings and early Dungeons & Dragons. I like Lord of the Rings, but when set to metal the whole thing becomes an absurd self-parody the likes of which I should not have to hear. Also, the band features some of the fakest percussion you will ever hear on a rock record. I can’t stand blast beats and they’re used (like everything else) with reckless abandon on this album, giving the whole thing a really false, pretentious atmosphere.

The single thing that prevents Dragonforce from being completely lost to the fires of hell is this: They don’t take themselves seriously. This is shown by their utterly silly music videos, in one of which the band is featured as playable characters in a Guitar Hero-like video game. But does this save them from my ire? Hell no. They still create the absolute worst kind of pretentious self-absorbed guitar circle jerking, and all their songs still sound exactly the same. I barely even sat through the whole album once and have no intention of ever doing so again. I gotta unclench my jaw now, excuse me.

Dark Art: The Madness of Zach Hill

Album: Astrological Straits
Artist: Zach Hill
Genre: Schizodelic/Experimental Rock
Year: 2008
Label: Ipecac/Anticon

Necromancy is an art form that has fallen out of favor in recent years. Most people frown on bringing the dead back to life as it’s unsanitary, frightening and generally just gross. But Zach Hill is bringing Necromancy back in style. According to the Dresden Files, to summon the dead, one needs a pulse, usually provided by drums. Zach Hill is a drummer extraordinaire and while pulse isn’t the correct word to describe his schizophrenic staccato beats, the kind of invocation it provides will certainly suffice.

For those of you who don’t know, Hill is the drummer for the possibly defunct Hella, a math rock duo that in recent years expanded its line-up and went “Mars Volta light” according to some fans. But to say that would completely write off the fact that Hill’s drumming makes The Mars Volta look like the White Stripes. I first heard about him as a member of Chino Moreno’s band Team Sleep. When I saw Team Sleep live, one of the major highlights was Hill’s performance. Watching the man is like watching a whirlwind with a thousand arms. It seems impossible that anyone could move that fast, that deftly and manage to make every blow count. There are no excessive hits with Hill, everything is ultra precise.

On Astrological Straits, Hill’s first solo album, a two disc set, he’s in top flight mode, banging, beating and otherwise smashing his merry way through an hour and thirty-three minutes of percussive madness. The drums are the leading instrument and main area of focus, but not the only presence. Hill, on many tracks, also sings and plays all the other instruments. God bless multi-tracking. And the album is not without structure; most of the tracks have very strong song structure, with the exception of tracks like “Street People” and “Uhuru” which are both drum solos, and even those are tightly composed. And there are guests: Chino Moreno, Les Claypool and the guys from No Age are just a few of the names on the album. The good thing is that, while these artists are all big names, they don’t steal the show from Hill. I didn’t even recognize Moreno’s vocals as he sings them through a voice distorter on his song. The album is not a showcase for anyone but Hill and he uses his time very well.

The second disc is even more ambitious than the first as it takes Hill’s foray into the dark arts even further then before, with his Necromancer composition. At thirty-three minutes long, composed for Drums and Piano, the piece is a marvel to hear. You think, “He has to take a break eventually, doesn’t he?” But no, he just keeps going. Hill is touring a solo show now, expressly to perform his Necromancer piece. Everywhere he goes the dead are rising from the grave, flocking to the venue of his performance and moshing. How Hill manages to keep this up night after night is beyond me, but I’m sure it’s spectacular.