Andwoo VS. Vampire Weekend

Now, I have been having writers block which is an absolute pain in the ass and getting on my nerves. In an effort to destroy this condition in a manner similar to smashing china plates with a hammer, I’m going to be writing and posting at least one review a week from now till the end of summer. I believe it is both healthy and professional to do this. I don’t know if anyone actually reads this thing, but I’ll be damned if I see my writing fall off because of something like boredom.

Album: Vampire Weekend
Artist: Vampire Weekend
Year: 2008
Genre: Indie Pop Rock
Label: XL

Now, I have decided to review Vampire Weekend because it’s been awhile since I tore into something with my fangs, rend it and subsequently threw it on the roof to bleed to death. First off, it has come to my attention that while I was off having a good time with Lillian (my girlfriend, we got Thai food,) the world was having hysterics over this band from New York called Vampire Weekend. Because, apparently, they’re the best/freshest/hippest thing to hit music since Mozart… actually just The Strokes (who’re neither fresh nor hip,) but you see my point. Why this is is a mystery to me, because weeks later, after acquiring Vampire Weekend and listening to it a few times I have to say WHAT THE FUCK? I’ll say it again, WHAT THE FUCK? Because this really sucks (insert Vampire joke here.)

Now, Vampire Weekend gets props for trying something new. What it sounded like to me was some sort of worldly keyboard funkiness which apparently doesn’t sound like anything that’s come before. Actually, it sounds as if early DNA had been a pathetic pop outfit instead of a No Wave Noise fest, sort of. Yes I acknowledge the fact that on this record the Keyboards and Drums take more of a spotlight then the Guitar, but so what. The truth is, is that anytime someone tries something new I’ll give them props for effort, but when it sucks just as much as everything else that’s come before then there isn’t a fucking point is there? Really, what’s the point of hyping all of this innovative sound if said sound is total shit.

Also, that voice. If I sounded like that I would start smoking and drinking heavy liquor so that I either A) get so blitzed that I forget how bad I sound Or B) my voice gets so raspy that I sound like Tom Waits for the rest of my life and die from lung cancer at an early age and therefore am spared the sound of my own voice. The voice is whiney and weak, so much so that it makes any merit the music might have had be swept away in a flood of crap that flows from his mouth. Mind you, there wasn’t that much merit there to begin with. Yes I am a professional, and yes I hate this band. Not because they are super hard on the ears but because of how easy and simple they are. There is no substance here, nothing that will hold my, or anyone else’s interest for more then five seconds. And for that matter, it’s been a few weeks so nobody is going to give a fuck about Vampire Weekend at all. Everyone’s moved on to something else now, so again, what was the fucking point. If you did make the mistake of purchasing Vampire Weekends debut (something I avoided, thank you tape trading,) my advice is to use it as a Frisbee, because that would make it sufficiently more interesting then, say, the music of Vampire Weekend. That’s all.

Post Script.

In a bout of rage and unprofessionalism, I swore up a storm, gratuitously using the word Now and Fuck to my hearts content in describing this piece of crap band. Normally, I try to reign in my the furious tirade of swear words gathering behind the gate of my mouth but this time the flood was too great to be stopped and so I just let go. And you know what? It’s fun to swear and the impact is greater because I don’t do it that often (on paper). So while this may be my least professional piece of work, I can guarantee you that this band (Bloodsucking Weakness) is absolutely worth the full range of my ire-ridden vocabulary. Because, as I have already said, they are bullshit munches. Poor vocals, unimaginative music, lack of actual innovation and so much hype that you could choke on it. All the perfect ingredients for my wrath.