Guns N’ Roses: Rusted and Wilted

Album: Chinese Democracy
Artist: Guns N’ Roses
Genre: Butt-Rock
Year: 2008
Label: Geffen

This was never supposed to happen. Guns N’ Roses was never supposed to release Chinese Democracy. I was never supposed to hear it. You were never supposed to hear it. Slash was never supposed to leave the original G N’ R. Axl Rose was never supposed to form a new band and call it G N’ R. Buckethead and Bumblefoot were never supposed to join. Dr. Pepper was never supposed to give everyone a free can if the album came out. Hell was never supposed to freeze over. But now it has, and now we have to live with the consequences.

On November 23rd, 2008 Chinese Democracy was released to the world after fifteen years of false starts, do-overs and anticipation. Fans and critics alike descended upon the album like a rabid hoard of Red Soxs fans that had waited years to see their team win. I was incredulous. As I said, this was never supposed to happen. Chinese Democracy is the first album of new original material that G N’ R has released since 1991’s simultaneous release of Use Your Illusion I & II. I was born in 1991 folks; it’s taken Axl Rose my entire lifetime to get around to this.

After fifteen years, numerous questions have arisen about the album. The main and most important one being this: Is it any good? If you like Butt-Rock, it will always be good. If you’re a G N’ R fan from way back, it might be good. If you love Axl Rose and still wear that shirt that he signed for you in 1987 at that one show in Seattle, you will adore this album like a nymphomaniac adores sex. You will put this album on and be transported to a world of guitar rock bliss that you haven’t felt since Appetite for Destruction was released in 1987. This album will be like a shot of heroin directly into your brain. For seventy-one minutes you will feel a high you didn’t think possible. After the album ends you will feel cold and shaky, everything will hurt and all you will be able to think about is your next fix. However, if you’re like me, then this album won’t make you happy, it won’t make you ill; it’ll make you blink and wonder what the point was.

Axl Rose is, and always has been, an absurd human being. He destroyed the original Guns N’ Roses and has been coasting on the profits reaped from Appetite for Destruction his entire career. He made his name synonymous with ridiculousness and now is asking us to take him seriously for the first time in over a decade. I just can’t do that. To call this album a Guns N’ Roses album is ludicrous as Guns N’ Roses have been disbanded for a long time now. This new band, Axl Rose N’ Friends, have released their debut album and are asking us to regard it in the same light as Appetite for Destruction. This is pure silliness and kind of insulting. Yes, Buckethead, Robin Fink and Bumblefoot are great guitarists but really, this isn’t a showcase for anyone but Rose and watching him run around felating his ego is the last thing I want to do. If you do decide to get this album, please consider that you are simply pandering to a man who has taken excess to new levels in a country where we are now in the greatest economic crisis since The Great Depression. If you must get this album, steal it.